Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's always time for handjobs
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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