on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
