I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
