she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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