if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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