I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
