I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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