everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
