I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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