i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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