just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
