Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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