as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
