I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think your dad took our porno
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
