Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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