I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
