he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
