Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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