Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Found the puke drawer
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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