Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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