During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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