i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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