he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
