Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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