the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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