True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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