Fine. I'll sleep in my office
honey bunches of taint.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
