im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
