the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
