the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
