I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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