guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
