im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
