It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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