his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
