I swear god or herbie drove my car home
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
