If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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