also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
