I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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