If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
