she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
