my being single is dangerous.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
