Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
