Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
