3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
