Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
