this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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