Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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