Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
