Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
