Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
